took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
