thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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