if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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