is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
