I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
