i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
