I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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