allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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