I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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