We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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