I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
