Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
