he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
