I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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