We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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