I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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