Dual....:-)
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
