I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Randomize
