Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
