Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
