just tell him i said nine months
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
