I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
