Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize