Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
