Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
