I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Hippo gnu deer
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
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I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
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I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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