I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
