The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I understand Curling. That high.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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