Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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