Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just found puke in my bra..
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
