My underwear smells like fireworks.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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