I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
