Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Randomize