my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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