note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize