The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
