Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I have already put on my inside pants.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
