why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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