wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
