she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I love having hate sex.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
