sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
