I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I cannot find my penis.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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