he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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