I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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