I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize