she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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