Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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