____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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