Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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