I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
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Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
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By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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