There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
