you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
