I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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